Monday, February 22, 2010

Random Thoughts on a Sleepless Night

Hello Moon!
Another one of my sleepless nights. I've always dealt with bouts of insomnia from time to time. Some times are worse than others. I think this recent bout is more about PAIN than it is, insomnia. When I lay in bed, the pain in my spine becomes unbearable. If I manage to fall asleep, then I awake in terrible pain, all "locked" into place! No Fun.
   Long lonely, sleepless nights CAN be good for thinking, praying, and writing. I have found that sometimes the silence can be deafening! When the house is quiet, no TV on, if I focus on being close to the Lord, I can "hear" His voice. Too often, our lives are too busy, too full, and too noisey, to HEAR His voice. I heard someone say recently, "Prayer should be 10% talking and 90% hearing". I like that.
    Hoping to work with some good folks to come up with some custom graphic designs for my BLOG and my Ministry. I know nothing about how to create graphics! I can build a webpage, but only with "already-created" graphics. Also gonna be doing a private photo session, for new pictures for my upcoming new event flyers and media photos.
      Sometimes I feel SO far away from The Life I am striving for. I'd have to say right off the bat, that this is one of satan's UN=encouragement tactics. He knows if he can get into our mind and cause us to feel defeated, then he's won a great victory! But thankfully my God is in control and He's a lot stronger than the devil. So am I, through Christ. I am one of my own worst critics, so I never feel that I'm working as hard as I "should".
    But then I think, "what if I one day reach a place where I say, Ok...I've acheived everything I feel called to do." THEN WHAT? No, I don't think we ever come to that place IF we are truly abiding in Christ and doing His work. There will always be someone needing love, encouragement, and comfort. I don't EVER want to be "done".
    I get frightened sometimes, thinking about my disease. I don't want to become too sick to work. I also don't want to smother to death. (who does, right?!) Its just that for some "SM" sufferers, death comes from an inability to breathe once the syrinx damage nerves higher into the thoracic and cervical spine. Now, WHY would I sit around and dwell on THAT?! Ahhh, get behind me satan! I have had some trouble with being slightly short of breath, which can be a singers worst enemy. Maybe I just need to use my oxygen tank more...?
      I have so enjoyed meeting so many new folks online! Its so easy to get caught up in our own little corner of the world, that we forget that there are other, different lives out there. Different people with different ways of carrying out their days, people with beautiful lives, beautiful faces, and beautiful loves. I think its healthy to step outside our own little lives a bit everyday. Don't want to become stagnate, right?
    SO much BEAUTY in my own life, to share: my wonderfully big, safe, tender husband of 29yrs., He's my best friend too. My 3 beautiful and lovely daughters, each one so different and so individual...and yet so much the same. Grandchildren! Just that word conjures up images of rosey-cheeked, chubby cherubs, running and laughing! FRIENDSHIPS. Wow, I am so blessed by the friends in my life. A Friends love is extra special. They're not bound by blood to always be there for you! They just are...the good ones, at least. Getting outside, feeling the warmth of sun light on your cheeks. Sticking my fingers down into the earth, to stick a baby tomato plant into the soil. Watching it grow. The extra wonderful taste of any food, when prepared by someone other than myself, with love and a smile. My daughters hands on my shoulders. The beautiful wrinkles and grooves on my Dad's face, in them I see my grandma's soft and furry face, and I see the wrinkles quickly spreading onto my own face.
       I'm grateful for the fact that I've never had life handed to me, No silver spoons in this mouth! Because I require so little out of this world, to be truly happy. My true happiness is NOT contingent upon a good economy, perfect weather, peace throughout the world, and a big financial portfolio. My husband, red jello, and an old movie on TV... thats one of my best combinations. Or how about this one: my backyard, hamburgers, good friends and music. Those are the times we remember the most!
    Okay. I see the sun poking through the trees outside. Soon, my husband will be clanging around in the kitchen to bring me a wonderful hot cup of coffee. (another simple joy) We have errands to run today. And I'm getting very sleepy.

No comments: